“My heart’s just fine as
long as my stomach’s not empty.”
For a brief period last
month, my YouTube account was, without warning, suspended. All previous
episodes of B-Movie Bonanza—or at least those hosted there—had been
taken down. Flummoxed, I contacted the powers-that-be for an explanation. What
I received in return was anything but. I was told that due to my indiscretion,
an indiscretion that continued to elude me, the suspension of my account would
stand. They also encouraged me to carefully read over their rules and
guidelines for uploaded content. Begrudgingly, I followed their supplied link
and studied the dos and don’ts.
I took silent stock of the
material included in my silly little movie commentary podcast. Do any episodes
contain nudity, sexual situations, or pornographic material? Absolutely not. Do
any episodes contain explicit or excessive violence? No, sir. Do any episodes promote violence toward
either gender, or members of minority groups? Don’t remember ever in my life
donning a swastika, so that’s another negative. Do any episodes contain spam or
scams? Well, no, not unless you count my continued efforts to get listeners to
buy my books. Last and most importantly, do any episodes contain copyrighted
material? Since every commentary is a Brandon Ford original, i.e. 90 minutes of
my nonsensical rambling without any music and/or audio/video samples of the
films I discuss, that would be another no. I listed all of these facts in a
detailed e-mail. Needless to say, when I received a response stating that they
were standing by their decision, still offering no clear explanation, I was
beyond befuddled.
I kept thinking back to late
spring, when I started uploading rare/obscure movies to my YouTube channel as a
coping mechanism. I’d just gone through a pretty gut-wrenching break-up (I still
say there’s a special place in hell for those who terminate meaningful
relationships via text message), so I really needed the distraction. And
distract me it did. I spent hours each day going through my film library,
picking and choosing rarities of all sorts. I uploaded the files to my channel
hoping that subscribers would, when not viewing these hidden gems, have a
listen to B-Movie Bonanza and maybe pick up a few of my books. This
little side-hobby went on for a couple of months. In that time, I uploaded
dozens of features. Unfortunately, it all came crashing down when a certain
independent DVD distributor who owned the rights to one of these obscurities
decided to report me to YouTube, thus earning my account a strike. I wrote an
extensive essay about the experience on my personal blog, Brandon Ford’sSleepless Nights, which can be found here.
In hindsight, the strike was
a mere slap on the wrist. My YouTube activity would be restricted for a period
of 30 days and then I could go back to uploading content exceeding the
15-minute time limit. Also, the strike would be wiped from my account in 6
months, leaving me in good standing. I was more than a little paranoid,
however, and didn’t want to risk losing my channel. As a pre-cautionary
measure, I removed everything that wasn’t 100% mine and, just to be on the safe
side, signed up with Vimeo so listeners would have a separate space to absorb
my lack of film knowledge and stupid little anecdotes, should there be any
further trouble.
Even though this was all
behind me (my strike was even recently lifted), I couldn’t help wondering if
previous uploads played a role in the suspension of my account, despite their
removal close to 6 months prior. I wasn’t dumb enough to mention these files in
my responses to YouTube, but continued to fight them tooth and nail. I claimed
their decision was not only baseless, but absurd. Nothing on my channel
violated their terms and conditions, so what was the problem? I felt as though I’d
been sent up the river on the grounds of some trumped-up charges. Finally, I
received an e-mail stating that, after some further investigation by the
YouTube team, my account was back up and running. No apology, no explanation,
no nothing. It wasn’t until I logged into my account that I received the answer
I’d been searching for all along.
A disclaimer spread across
my screen the moment I entered my password. It seemed that the Creepshow 2 episode
of B-Movie Bonanza violated their terms and conditions, so it had been
flagged. I wracked my brain trying to figure out what I could’ve possibly said
during this particular commentary that would cause such outrage. I gave a
listen. At approximately 17 minutes in, I briefly mentioned the original
violation that earned my account a strike, the movie that caused all the drama,
and the independent DVD company who reported me. In addition, I called the two
guys at the helm a pair of “douchebags.” Ahhhh... Now things were
starting to make sense.
Even though I’d removed
their priceless gem from my channel and the incident was over with, it appears
someone’s been keeping tabs on my YouTube activity (I can only assume to ensure
I hadn’t uploaded any other fecal matter they hold rights to). The same someone probably didn’t appreciate
my schoolyard name-calling and pulled a wah-wah-wahhhh. Uh...I mean,
reported abuse. And then I thought back to just two weeks prior, when my Vimeo
account was mysteriously suspended. Hmm... Coincidence? I’m guessing not.
After a similar e-mail
exchange with Vimeo customer service, my files were once again available for
streaming. Could these doofballs really be cyber-stalking me? For a
micro-second, I felt like Shelley Duvall, driven to extreme states of paranoia,
safe and warm beneath the protective coating of a tin foil hat. But I got over
that pretty quickly. Nevertheless, I decided not to upload this
particular episode to YouTube, since it also mentions my previous encounters
with those...uh...fine young gentlemen and, Criminally Insane is an
early project by the same writer/director of the piece of shh---I
mean...cinematic masterpiece that started this whole mess. So, it looks like
this one’s going to be a Vimeo exclusive.
The source for this gem of
an episode runs 1:01:56 and can be found on the E.I. Independent triple-feature
DVD, which also contains Nick Millard’s Crazy Fat Ethel 2, sequel to Criminally
Insane that utilizes half the original footage a la Silent Night, Deadly
Night, Part 2, and Satan’s Black Wedding. Listen, enjoy, and I’ll be
doing everything in my power to get this song out of my head.
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