Friday, August 26, 2016

Episode 19: The Last Slumber Party (1987)


“If you want me, just whistle. You do know how to whistle. Don’t you? Just part your lips...and blow.”

No, the above is not a typographical error. It’s an actual slice of dialogue from the movie. The quote, a variation of the famous line from the 1944 Howard Hawks classic To Have and Have Not, is meant to be a sultry, seductive lure, but spoken in a mechanical, almost robotic monotone by a less-than-gifted “actress” is more effective than Ambien. Evidently, writer/director Stephen Tyler (not to be confused with the Aerosmith front man) believes that to produce a beckoning whistle, one need only open their mouth and expel a little carbon dioxide. Not sure how the mechanics work on his end, but the rest of us have to put our lips together.

Now that I’ve gotten that mess out of the way...

I keep saying I’m not going to trash these movies. Keep promising I won’t write negative reviews. But when an irredeemable stinkpile like The Last Slumber Party is a selected feature, the absurdity of its many, many flaws is too great to ignore. With a slice of amateur fare as thick as this one, Tyler makes Rob Zombie look like Alfred Hitchcock.

The plot, as most of these “so bad, it’s...well...bad” shot-on-video time-wasters often are, is threadbare. On the eve of his lobotomy, a nameless maniac (played by none other than Tyler himself) escapes a mental hospital, utilizing the old “pillows and blanket stuffed beneath the bedclothes” illusion made popular in the 1600s. Clad in standard issue scrubs, his identity concealed by a surgical mask, he heads for the suburban home of Dr. Sickler, the surgeon scheduled to slice into his brain come morning.

Unfortunately, The Good Doctor’s only offspring has chosen this night to gather a few friends for a slumber party to celebrate the school year’s end and summer’s beginning. Needless to say, the bevy of novice performers (some of whom appear older than the adult characters) fall victim to the scalpel-wielding slasher. One wouldn’t know it, however, as the majority of the cast shows less emotion than Hillary Clinton on her best day and the special effects are strictly amateur hour.

Why choose a movie like The Last Slumber Party for B-Movie Bonanza? Artistic merit and entertainment value obviously aren’t part of the equation. The stories centered around acquiring the United Home Entertainment VHS, as well as my initial viewing are probably the main reasons I pulled the trigger on this one. I also have a few anecdotes about how I made a hobby of pestering star Lance Descourez via AOL Instant Messenger some years later. I suppose this delightful pastime was a form of subconscious retribution, as sitting through The Last Slumber Party is a pretty painful and torturous experience only the strong-willed can endure.

I have no legitimate reason for buying VCI’s 2004 double-feature DVD (which includes Terror at Tenkiller). Obviously, I knew exactly what I was in for, yet I shelled out the five bucks anyway. Nevertheless, it’s a disc I can’t seem to find anywhere, so I was forced to watch this mess on YouTube. The version I chose runs 1:10:53 and, to my knowledge, is uncut. Not that there’s anything offensive in its short running time—well, other than the awful soundtrack provided by then, and still, unknown hair metal band Firstryke.


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